~Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow~

22nd December, 2013, it is a bitter night, the streetlights are dim. I cross the threshold of a park in New York (known for parties and sleepless nights). I walk towards the swings, not a soul is present. I can feel my heart pounding inside my ribs apprehensively. I sit on the swing. I start pushing the swing to and fro. “What have I done?” I murmur to myself. “What have I done to my life” I repeat. As my body swings to and fro my mind takes me back to the year of 2012……
I could see my target casually moving around. I was 30 feet away, standing in a construction site. She (my target) had no idea that today her life will be over; I myself will steal her precious existence.  I had already set my gun pointer; I just had to pull the trigger. ‘This would be my first kill ever; I would soon be a wealthy man’ I thought. The feeling of being affluent made me grin. I pulled my concentration back towards my target. I could see her enlarged image through my proficient gun. She was a pretty woman; her silky blond hair covered her back. She was wearing a backless gown that shimmered under the light. I blinked once and pulled the trigger. The gun vibrated with a roar, the bullet broke through the window glass and penetrated inside her body. Within a second I became a criminal from a normal citizen of New York. I could see her dad shaking her corpse as if asking her to get up. Her deceased body was soaked with blood. Unexpectedly I was experiencing an unknown emotion. My mind was numb, my knees gave up and my body kissed the filthy floor. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Never in my life had I cried. What was happening to me, I failed to understand. With my trembling hands I started to pack up. After fifteen minutes, I took my phone and gave a call to an unknown number but no one responded. The owner of the ‘unknown number’ had ordered me to do this sinful task and in return promised me ten thousand dollars, which was required for my mother’s treatment for cancer. After a minute my phone gave a beep, the message said that I need to go to an abandoned park named “The Tropic Zone”. I took my gun and started walking.
Within an hour I reached the park. It was secluded, and pitch dark. I searched for my precious money. I gazed hard and finally there it was, at the corner of park. I hastily went there and saw the brown package. I tore the cover apart and counted the smooth notes. Thereafter I crammed my bag with money and started walking again. After a strainfull walk I reached the hospital. I had no time to linger for the lift; I was desperate to meet my mother. I started climbing the stairway. I had to pause for a second to catch my breath. The oxygen rushed inside my nostrils like flames of fire. I started to climb again but this time missing a step or two. I reached the counter and deposited the required amount for the treatment and kept the rest for the everyday expenditure and medicines. Unfortunately all my efforts were of no avail. My mother left me alone to deal with my evil deed. I broke down after her departure.
Today my mother visited me in my dreams, pleading me to surrender. Until today I had lost my connection with the human race but now it was time to wake up and confess…..
I get up from the swing and return back to face reality. What had happened was my precedent, I can’t change that, all I can do is correct my future. Today I understand that the feeling which I could not acknowledge ‘then’ was my guilt. It still sticks with me like everlasting adhesive. I go to the police station; I am petrified and worried. I narrate the entire story to a police officer. I illustrate each and every detail. How I killed and became a monster.  The police officer’s eyes are filled with astonishment. Well, he arrests me; I wait in the cell for my punishment. I deserve it I always have….                                                                                                                                                    

He who profits by crime is always guilty of it. Guilt is the strongest emotion. It acts like a emperor. One can’t surpass his guilt ever in his life. No matter how much one tries to get rid of it, guilt always sticks with you until you have paid for your peccadillo, until you have done your penance. 

~Amrita Roy