3 am Rambles(2)

I wonder when does it get easier?

As long as I can remember I have struggled with loneliness. Be it inside my tiny room or outside in the mall, my friends laughing around or the silent nights. Loneliness has always somehow accompanied me, following me through all my ups and down. Like a friend that I have always desired.

I wonder when does it feels okay?

I had always blamed myself. Hated my sensitivity, the way my brain works. I wanted to change every single atom of my body or rip it apart. Later realizing I am proud of what I have become. I realized it’s okay to be imperfect.

As long as I can remember I have always been floating around, disbelieving myself and those who surround me. I have always been afraid to latch on to someone for comfort. It seems like a never ending battle where the only soldier from my castle is me. It feels like a  melancholic background music being played while I walk, laugh or shiver.

I wonder if this is all I got?

I have always heard about letting it out, accepting everyone with open arms sharing the downs that tear you apart. But what happens when people move on? When the help you once received disappears into thin air. What happens when people change and you don’t? When the plans you make feels dead for the liveliness  followed those who left this drowning ship.

I know it’s selfish to want a shoulder while the water rises but I’m only human. Sometimes I can’t help but let my memories consume me within.  I can’t help but to feel helpless as I lie down, hoping that it’ll pass.

It’s a lie that you don’t have to alone.

The truth is maybe you have to be fine with it,

Eventually.

 

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